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Apparently we’re in a cup final tomorrow. Obviously not our cup final. We save those for actual cup finals. You know the one’s usually held at Wembley and at the end of the match one of the two teams walks up some steps and collects a trophy? Our opponents tomorrow have replaced real cup finals with little itty bitty league ones against us. For no apparent reason they see us as local rivals and take great pleasure in trying to beat us.

Fortunately for us that hasn’t happened too often in the past few seasons, having not lose in the last 8 matches and winning the last 5. Pity we haven’t actually met at Wembley in that time. Adding to that, West Ham have only managed to score 1 goal in those last 5 games you’ve gotta wonder why they look forward to this fixture. As far as Upton Park goes we’ve scored more goals there than we have at any other away ground, so the team is hardly overawed by that bubble song.

However, before you start getting all excited and start predicting a massive win, let me put my more traditional pessimist head on with a couple of other stats. We’ve only won 19 of the last 84 away London derbies and haven’t won an away game anywhere in September since 2001. Hardly Champions League stats.

Tomorrow will be a really tough game. Normally I’d like to think the team would bounce back convincingly after the carling cup display but the team we play will probably not contain any of the players that started that game, with the exception of Ekotto, although I have a feeling Bale will be put at left back, but that’s a whole different moan which we’ll tackle on Monday if it happens. So there won’t be the personal need to go out and prove something to themselves, the fans, management, press etc because they weren’t involved in that game. Once again we could be looking at a team of players with one eye on the Champions League game next week as it appeared they were at the Hawthorns.

Now onto the nitty gritty (itty bitty, nitty gritty? what’s wrong with me this morning?). If any of you out there are anally retentive like myself you may see patterns in certain things. How about these I’ve spotted? This season our league results have been:

D W L D W ?

It doesn’t take Stephen Hawkin to work out the next result in that sequence does it? How about all of our results so far this season?

D L W W L D D W L ? ? ?

Ok, so this one’s slightly more far fetched (because the other one’s full-proof), but a pattern is still a pattern and it gives the same result as the first one. A great big, soul destroying “L”. In theory it also predicts the next 3 results so if I were you I’d get down the bookies sharpish. For those that think I’m drunk and can’t see a pattern the next 3 results will be L W D.

Alright so it’s a little like believing in Horoscopes and fortune tellers but now I’ve seen this I can’t get it out of my head. You’ll be happy to know that rarely does the sequence continue but if it does don’t blame me. I just pointed out the obvious match fixing going on in football today to enable pretty mathematical patterns in results.

I expect Redknapp to play 4-4-1-1 again away from home in the premier league which I’m undecided upon. Personally I don’t think it’s needed. In Europe, yes, but in the premier league there’s nothing wrong with 4-4-2 except against the so called better teams. No offence to West Ham, well, actually that’s a lie. They’re shit aren’t they? I know as I write this I’m going to regret it but they are. Shit little club with shit fans who have wall head-butting competitions before a game and are now run by a porn supremo. For the record I’ve got nothing against porn. Trying to fit VdV into Redknapp’s preferred 4-4-2 seems to be the main problem. In the 2 league games he’s played so far everything’s gone through VdV and he’s stood out with his quality and once properly match fit it’s going to be a joy to watch. So much so I’m already starting to change my man love from Modric to Rafa. Fickle fans eh?

It seems every week we’ve got another “must win” game and I don’t see tomorrow as any different. With City playing Chelsea, this is the opportune time we pick up all 3 points, hopefully rise up the table and put pressure on the teams above us. Of course it’ll also put more pressure on the teams below us and more importantly, the Hammers. Redknapp’s also got something to prove against Avram Grant who as we all know managed to get his relegated, financially screwed Portsmouth team to the FA Cup final at our expense last season.

Once again, it’s time to fight for the ball. Win every 50/50. Pass with vigour, determination and purpose. Start brightly, silence their crowd and score first. Of course none of that will make a difference because the pattern says so.

COYS

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